A Discovery of Witches Season 2 Episode 5 Recap

Relive each delicious moment of A Discovery of Witches with our weekly recap. This week? A Discovery of Witches Season 2 Episode 5 recap.

Do you ever find yourself yelling at the screen in front of you or mumbling cheeky responses to the characters while watching a show? We do. Sometimes we keep those responses to ourselves and, sometimes, we text them to each other as we watch the same show at the same time 700 miles apart. We enjoy these conversations so much that we decided to share them with you. Each week, Ashley and Nikki will publish an episode recap for the long-awaited second season of A Discovery of Witches. You can read it while you re-watch the episode (because you know you’re going to re-watch it) or just read it. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, just do it. We hope that these recaps will be worth a few giggles for A Discovery of Witches fans and that they might even make you think twice about what you’ve just watched. Without further ado, here’s our A Discovery of Witches Season 2 Episode 5 recap….

[0:00] We are apparently going back to the cooling of the earth with this ‘previously on’ recap. Two minutes in, I’ve deduced these recaps are definitely intended to serve the casual watcher. How to know if you’re a casual watcher: you’re reading this recap. Ergo, you are not a casual watcher.

[2:00] Diana’s entire stint into 16^th century living has been baptism by fire. But having to experience travel in this manner is the equivalent of taking that baptism by fire sentiment and dipping it in poison ivy, dragging it through the manure-covered streets of 1590s London, setting it on fire again and then serving it up on the bottom of Father Hubbard’s shoe. Bon appetit, Diana.

[3:00] “This is as far as I can go with you.” – Gallowglass, and also my husband in the parking lot of HomeGoods.

[3:00] Find you someone in life who looks at you like Gallowglass and Matthew look at each other and then hang on tight. That bro-head hug was an early Valentine’s Day gift for all of us.

[4:00] That was a hell of a cold open! And I’m not just referring to Gallowglass’ wet feet for the next several hours.

[5:00] You must know by now that I find mornings most objectionable is the exact sunshiny greeting I offer my family on weekdays when the alarm goes off.

[6:00] Louisa up-leveled PDA in a way that will have horny teenagers everywhere taking notes.  

[7:00] “A lot can happen in 400 years.” He says that as breezily as I might sum up the pendulum of hell events of the past 11 months.

[8:00] Quick question — does her breath smell like that dude in the street’s blood chased with warm alcohol? Because Kit’s heart might be broken longing for Matthew… orrrrr he just might have an understandable sensitivity to halitosis.

[9:00] Matthew’s diminishment of freedom as they inch closer to Sept-Tours makes my bleeding empath heart ache as I feel the exact opposite whenever en route to my childhood home. Don’t we all want to foster an environment where our kids see home as a soft and welcoming place to return to whenever needed?

[10:00] Oh my god, Louisa is so that girl at the bar… you know the one. The one demanding to the bartender that her drink is “too red” and that you’ve never truly heard Journey until you’ve heard her rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin.”

[11:00] Note to self: Don’t call Louisa a whore.

[12:00] This resembles me most mornings when my husband is trying to get me up. But we have far less daunting things (no side saddle!) ahead of us that day. I’m either relieved for our circumstances when compared to Diana and Matthew’s or spiteful that he makes me get out of bed for a far less monumental agenda.

[13:00] I’m not doubting Diana’s genuine concern for the villagers but I’m also not doubting that “we need to check for survivors” might actually be code for “You all go on. I’m going to sit my weary ass by that fire for a bit. They probably have snacks, too.”

[14:00] Diana falling off the horse = actual footage of me after the seventh hour of Zoom on a Monday.

[15:00] It’s never a good sign when someone forewarns you that after a multi-month, multi-terrain, treacherous journey, it’s arriving home to your father-in-law for which you’ll need to maintain your strength.

[16:00] Possible for us to delay Sept-Tours by a few days? I’d like to extend our glamping reservation just a wee bit longer. It’s delicious.

[17:00] Like, I said — delicious.

[18:00] Ouch. Matthew’s got the willpower of a celibate saint. And also, Diana’s about to show a vampire what cold treatment really looks like.

[19:00] Well played, Matthew. Also, Diana hoisting up riding pants = actual footage of me putting on leggings every day for the past year of working from home.

[20:00] “Someone has to keep an eye on Gallowglass.” — Oh oh, me me! I volunteer as tribute!

[21:00] I promise to never again complain or midway through the eight-hour car trip to my parents’ house ponder whether someone has moved the state of Florida.

[22:00] As if walking through grief over a lost family member wasn’t hard enough, imagine the dangled possibility of seeing them again in a different time and space. It’ll never be what your heart needs it to be; it’s like trying to recapture the magic of summer camp long after the summer is over.

[23:00] Could we not have arrived in broad daylight to a slightly less ominous setup? Maybe to a bustling village and the smell of a French scone or two wafting out of the oven.

[24:00] This is so frigging cool to see Sept-Tours in two distinct centuries! If it’s doing this to me, what’s it doing to Diana given this was the last time she saw this room…   

[25:00] Closed captioning says “music intensifies,” which also describes my blood pressure and OH MY GOD DADDY IS A SILVER FOX.

[26:00] “I’m here… as commanded” — Me, joining weekly staff meetings

[27:00] Diana has never been a shrinking violet and we love her all the more for it. But even still, Matthew’s “Jesus here we go again” look is all of us.

[28:00] …When your father-in-law can smell that you haven’t had sex with his son yet. Um, ew.

[29:00] I’m pretty certain that after that little sharing is caring moment, spooning with Matthew in the same bed just got downgraded on Diana’s list of priorities.

[30:00] Welp, she found her power. The aunts always told her it would come to her naturally when she most needed it.

[31:00] My Lebanese father would heartily approve. When in doubt, assume hanger and start laying out copious amounts of lamb.

[32:00] My brain, every time I hear the phrase “as you wish.” Oh Westley, my sweet Westley.

[33:00] He saddled up and headed out to hunt with the same hesitant determination I have for grocery shopping on a weekend. The very same.

[34:00] FLAG ON THE PLAY. Being guilted out of bed is one thing, but ma’am you have another thing coming if you think you will be holstering me into a bra when my feet have just hit the floor and coffee hasn’t been poured down my hatch yet. Oh the things 2020 clearly did to my giddy up.  

[35:00] “I do not plan to be here long enough to take charge of your domestic matters.” – Brilliant. Borrowing.

[36:00] I’ll leave you to your reading are the six most coveted words any woman over 30 longs to hear.

[37:00] RIP Bambi.

[38:00] Who needs motion detection lighting or alerts when you have old wood floors and 16^th century clogs to warn of intruders?

[39:00] I do so love when strange men come into my bedroom without permission claiming they were summoned there by me. I watch too much Law and Order SVU for this to fly.

[40:00] There will be deep wounds there too, sir, if you don’t take your damn hands off her.

[41:00] Annnnnd, see above. A reminder that no most certainly always means no in any language, any century.

[42:00] Hello Satan, indeed. #SUBSCRIBE

[43:00] We aren’t walking away from either of you anytime soon. Next week can’t come soon enough!

Final Thoughts:

Wow. So apparently my scholarly father-in-law assessing my knowledge of both the geological time scale and the lyrics to “Afternoon Delight” during our first meeting was peanuts by comparison here. What an episode! Between all the frosty travel conditions and the even frostier reception found at Sept-Tours, I need a warm bath, heated blanket and a long nap after that one. And then I plan to watch it all over again. Giddily.

Hellooooo and welcome, James Purefoy! We’ve sampled only a snippet of his portrayal of the patriarch Philippe and I. Am. Hooked. Between his constantly cool demeanor and casual meddling into the most vulnerable area of his son’s and new daughter’s life, he made Philippe spring to life from the pages as naturally as Matthew went after that poor fawn.

I also adored how realistically we watched Diana and Matthew navigate the journey to France — not just the physical distance, but all the affection and anxiety of their still-new relationship, too. We’ve seen them tackle years of challenges and milestones together in such a short timeframe, you almost forget they’re not seasoned partners by time’s measure. They’re “newlyweds” fumbling through welcome cuddling, unwelcome lies, sparing of feelings, slammed-door fights, needing of space and the meeting of parents and friends.

Speaking of friends, I’d love to stay and chat but it’s my hour to keep an eye on Gallowglass. Until next week…

If you’ve missed any of our A Discovery of Witches recaps, do not fret! You can find them all here.